The cast:
Russ ‘The Bus’ Substance - Driver
Darren ‘Tadpole’ Bourne - Groupie, masseuse and Grind Snorer
Jamie Festo - Vocals, Navigator and Training instructor
Nath - Guitar and Scrumpy
Alan - Bass and Sleeping
Mark - Drums and Inappropriate Jokes at Dinner Time
click on pics to see enlarged versions
Day 0.5
The best place to start, we decided, was Southampton coz that’s where we live. After a curry and a few beers we hit the road to Dover, driving over night accompanied only by flatulence and a gallon container of Burrow Hill Scrumpy.
The 4.30 am ferry to Calais is obviously the rock'n'roll place to be as at least 3 bands on tour were in the queue. Most notable (debatably) were Voodoo Glow Skulls in a fuck off gurt tour bus. Nath amused himself by feeding their drummer cider (which he thought was piss but willingly drank anyway!). Despite numerous attempts they would not swap buses with us.
Beers on the ferry then time to catch some Z’s while Russ pounded the tarmac to Holland.
Day 1
Arrived in Amsterdam feeling like shite. Met up with Ralf (the nicest guy in the Netherlands) who showed us around : beer, falafel, record shops. All is good!
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The Ocii, Amsterdam - Played with The Pedestrians and a band from Utrecht I can’t remember the name of (sorry), both good. The Ocii is a great venue in an old tram warehouse, its been there for years and puts on loads of gigs and anarchist events, films etc. Food was great, beer good, toilets were well stickered and surprisingly pleasant. 7/10. This is the toilet score system which we decided to apply to the tour. An English film crew were turned up at the gig for some weird reason, making a TV show about a guy visiting Amsterdam with no money, and he chose to come and see us! They were good blokes and despite his bemused looks and shit dancing he said he enjoyed the bands. We played Arms Race by BGK as our last song and totally fucked it up which I think amused us more than BGK’s guitarist who was watching us. D'oh! |
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From here on in it gets a little hazy. Rich Levene came all the way from Southampton to see us (that’s misplaced dedication!), there was free beer, records, crap 80’s music and Darren dancing his arse off to Bronski Beat. Not necessarily in that order. And then there was balancing of bar stools, ash trays and brooms....
Day 2
Proper sleep was needed by this point . Alan and Russ went on a trek round town, which involved beer, falafel (can you see a sad pattern forming?), canals and dubious parts of the city where the only thing scarier than the shop windows were the stag parties from Newcastle! Everyone else sensibly stayed at Ralph’s and developed a unanimous love for Antidote's LP.
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Leiden - Great little squat backing on to the most picturesque canal you can imagine. And a benefit for Sea Shepherd as well. Beer was crazy cheap at 1 Euro (that’s 60p a bottle!) and the food was good too. Toilet: A ropey 5/10 which ain’t bad coz it was the only one in the building! Went on a wander round town which was really nice although we got taunted from the castle battlements by 10 year olds who locked us out "you are stinking shithead" (and presumably our fathers smelt of elderberries). |
Back to the venue and played with Union Town and another band. We must dig out the flyers so we can find out their names. Good gig but unfortunately lots of people had to leave to help defend a squat across town where some fash bastards smashed the windows. Did a spot of illicit record trading from the boot of a car, then while the cops got arsey with the ska band playing down the road we went back to Hotel Ralph..
Day 3
Jamie and Ralph took us on a route march for breakfast and we built up a healthy appetite. The Bowler Hat veggie restaurant (near the Anne Frank House), really good food in a lovely bit of Amsterdam, and a very fat cat, go visit!. Then on to Nijmegen. On arrival in a street full of junkies and nutters we got a bad vibe about this place, and the guy putting the gig on telling us not to bring any gear inside as the police would probably raid later didn’t fill us with confidence either!
The squat was relatively short term but had been re-broken 3 times and had a proper bar and stage, so pretty sorted when you learn to see in the dark. It was actually a blinding gig as it happened. Fleas and Lice fucking rocked, Mouth Sewn Shut were a sort of crust Limp Bizkit and we just made the usual racket.
Good vegan stew and nice folks, but the toilets. Fuck me! I’ve never seen a shittier shitter in my life (and I've been to the George Robey and CBGB’s)! One was actually just a mound of broken porcelain and shit, free piss footbath, broken glass, filth, cholera, mmm nice! Minus 50/10.
Our fears about this place were ill-founded, it was a cool gig and no fucking cops! None the less didn’t want to tempt fate so set off for Germany in the small hours.
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Day 4 Ominous van problems on the way! Our brake calliper stuck on . Managed to mend it with a combination of Jamie’s mechanical genius and by hitting it with a rock for a bit. |
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The toilets in German service stations (we’re not really obsessed by bogs you know) more than made up for Nijmegen’s dump of hell. To quote Mark ‘its like shitting in a computer’. Not only are you soothed by a sexy sounding German fraulein backed by whale music but the seat cleans itself by turning round 360 degrees. And you get a receipt you can spend on Becks. We were impressed anyway!
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No gig today so we went shopping and cooked veggie slop in a mosquito ridden lay-by that stank of shit, before drinking beer and annoying the German lorry drivers who were trying to sleep. Mark bought 200 fags for 2 Euro and was brutally hurt to find they were only filters in paper with no tobacco. We laughed a lot. Then he told us about some video he's seen on the internet when someone shit themself in a jacuzzi. Yes, Mark, it is an inappropriate tale to tell whilst we dig into slop! |
Day 5
Hamburg - Arrived at the Hafenklang and were all slightly shocked at its gig worthiness. Ok so it’s a squatters bar but surely it should have a roof! Turns out they are knocking down the old one and the venue is somewhere else. Eventually got there after more records, vegan hotdogs and St. Pauli supporters shop .
The Hafenklang is now downstairs in a shopping centre and what a great venue! There was a good bar upstairs and good size gig space downstairs. Food was fucking top class! Loads of tofu Thai curry. Toilets - a healthy shopping centre 8/10.
We played with Barackca, a great bunch of guys from Budapest who play good tuneful punk (Ja Wohl! Ja Wohl! Ich Leibe Alcohol!) and the legendary MDC. Despite attempting to drink his weight (which is a considerable amount) in vodka, Mikey Donaldson played bass like a fucking machine! MDC blew the roof of the place , and a great bunch of guys too. To cap it all the Hafenklang has an unlimited free beer for bands policy. Crates and crates of Astra! We did ourselves proud by causing an exclaimed "Shit, you guys drink a lot!". And a whole suite of bunk beds for bands, with showers (well we could have used them if we wanted). This place and the punks who organise it all were really amazing! Cheers!
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Day 6
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Got up to a fantastic breakfast and MDC taking the piss out of Darren's snoring, having renamed him "Grind Snore". Fully stuffed, we made the short journey to Kiel. A nice place which seems to have no town centre but did have a big square with open air bars so to be fair we didn’t look a lot further. Kiel - this place is a really great long term squat. You can’t miss the building from the main road, firstly its almost under the flyover and secondly it’s painted with all sorts of anarchist tomfoolery. Inside is more of the same , lots of benefits and anarchist movement stuff going on. Free Astra again! Great food, great company and standard squat toilets (smelly and piss ridden) 5/10. |
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We played with MDC and Baracca again. We played too early (which was partly our own fault) so the place was empty but ho hum you can’t win em all. The place soon filled to the rafters and MDC played even better than yesterday and blew us all off stage. Cracking gig! |
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Day 7
Woke up early and cleaned the place like little pixies, much to the gratitude of the squatters (glad to help guys!). Another superb breakfast at the squat before going back to Hamburg. Today was another day off so we’re off to see Diskelma at the Rote Flora. Bummed around Hamburg all day, which has shit loads of good record shops scattered about (including a squatter run one which had too much good stuff for its own good). More vegan hotdogs, more beer. Today was Darren’s birthday and by the time the gig started we were all steaming.
Rote Flora is a fuck off huge squat and looks like a spray painted post apocalypstic vision has landed in the middle of a load of wine bars. Layers of graffiti and a really good vibe. Can’t remember the toilets but a stumbling drunk 6/10.
Some weird Italian power-violence band played first who were frantic, chaotic and possibly even good in parts! Diskelma kicked arse and we all enjoyed a sloshed sing-along to their Bastard cover. Miseryyyaaaarrrgghhhh! Afterwards we dribbled and burbled at them, much to their confusion and amusement.
After the gig we went on to a few punk bars where Darren and some of us drank all night. It was also one of the people from the bar's birthday, and one of the punks from the gig. Jaegermeister and Astra, tabel football and a US HC DJ session! Darren disappeared and wandered the Reeperbahn on his own (he claims!). The rest of us stayed at Dominic, the Hafenklang chef and Rote Flora barman's house, where we chucked his flatmate out of her room to crash on the floor (sorry! It wasn’t our idea). Nath turns up at 4 and pushes Russ and Alan off the mattress before runnig off to be sick. Hangovers on the horizon I fear!
Day 8 & 9
These days mingled into 1 somehow.
Regrouped and tried not to be sick (some more successfully than others). We all felt smelly and a bit fucked up by now so a nice relaxing drive back to Holland to play with Dean Dirg would sort us out for sure. Alas, it was not to be!
| Hamburg has a big Autobahn running through a 3km tunnel to leave it heading south. Guess where our van decided to break down? Yup, right in the middle of the fucking tunnel! Smoke pouring from the wheels, no steering, no brakes (or technically to much brakes), fast moving lorries, carbon monoxide, fear approaching terror!!! The fire brigade rescued us and then the AA (ein very gutt man). After which it all went shit shaped. The Dean Dirg gig and one in Brixton with Paranoid Visions and I.T! had to be forgotten (sorry guys, next time). After an afternoon in a farmyard garage we were forced to go home, leaving our gear in Hamburg. Darren and Mark got to fly (but had to wait 12 hours to do it) whereas Russ had to drive the rest of us all the way back in a hire car. Time, emotions and everything else fucked right up! |  |
A mad dash round Calais and some quick Franglais takes us to the hire care drop off. Only to find that there is one at the ferry terminal. Nath tempts fate by saying "This is it boys! We're there." Alan, Jamie and Russ err on the side of caution, but the damage is done. Just in time for our return to Dover, there is an earthquake in Kent that closes the roads. What the?.....We are so cursed. The lack of sleep and the stress make us question if it is real or some sort of prank, but it's true! A few hours later we finally hit home.
The van is now back and recovered from its ordeal (in fact it's broken down many more times since with You me and The Atom Bomb in it on their tour). We are however still broken. Our gear made it back smelly but intact, and with the benefit of hindsight we had a fucking ace time and played some great gigs. Cheers to all who put us on, put us up, fed us, beered us etc. Cheers to Darren for his entertaining arse related philosophy and Russ for surviving it all sober!
Its all punk eh!
